How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Drinking – Why Can’t They Just Quit Drinking?
If you are someone who has asked the question ‘How Do I Get My Husband or Wife to Stop Drinking’ and wondered why they can’t just quit, please don’t give up. I understand what you’re going through and what the other person is going through. It can be so very hard to understand. Why don’t they just stop? Can’t they see what they are doing to our family, me, and themselves! They’re killing themselves, just stop. This is what most people don’t understand about an addiction. The power, grip and control the addiction has over the person. In many cases the person does want to stop, it’s more they don’t know how, or where to go get help or they have relied heavily on their spouse to make every single decision in their lives for years (while they have been drinking). The other big factor with getting help is the fear and stigma attached to it. The fact is there are many places to go and get help for whatever the addiction is, if it would be alcohol, drugs, this includes prescription, food, gambling or other things.
First you should understand the nature of addiction and alcoholism.
People who are addicted cannot control their need for alcohol or other drugs, even in the face of negative health, social or legal consequences.
The illness becomes harder to treat and the related health problems, such as organ disease, become worse.
Addiction is a chronic, but treatable, brain disorder. People who are addicted cannot control their need for alcohol or other drugs, even in the face of negative health, social or legal consequences. This lack of control is the result of alcohol- or drug-induced changes in the brain. Those changes, in turn, cause behavior changes.
The brains of addicted people “have been modified by the drug in such a way that absence of the drug makes a signal to their brain that is equivalent to the signal of when you are starving,” says National Institute on Drug Abuse Director Dr. Nora Volkow. It is “as if the individual was in a state of deprivation, where taking the drug is indispensable for survival. It’s as powerful as that.”
What Is Enabling? How Do I Know If I’m An Enabler?
Sometimes we wonder, are you the puppet or the puppeteer? What if I said you can be both? The question, what is enabling, comes up time and again. As a spouse I know that you don’t want to even consider the idea that you might be enabling. But, I want to shed some light on an enabling behavior that isn’t really being talked about. |Deep Breath| Control as an enabling behavior. Because of the nature of addiction or alcoholism, you have had to take control of many things: house, kids, school, finances. This is because your partner was neck deep in the addiction and it took everything he had to just get to work every day. However, in this control, there is enabling. Because trust is destroyed, control prevails. However, many times spouses want to ‘control’ the recovery process of their partner too. This is because of all of the pain and marital trauma you have been through. This is also because for years while the alcohol has been taking over your family’s life, you have had to make all of the big decisions for both of you. So now you believe that you get to make the decision about recovery too |exhale|.
Control As An Enabling Behavior, Say What??
When we look at this kind of control I think of a different kind of enabling behavior. How do you know if you are enabling? Let’s take a look differently. We traditionally think of enabling of someone giving the user money or not operating in ‘tough love’. But what about using control as an enabling behavior? For instance, if you ‘hold the cards’ to your loved ones treatment (through finances, permission, etc) you are giving your partner an easy out. You see, when you say ‘no’ to a treatment center or treatment idea is it just what your partner is looking for (an easy out). Here is the dialogue, “my wife said we can’t afford it” or “my wife says that treatment there won’t work for me” or “my wife said I can’t miss that much work” now you have become in control of the process and enabled your loved one to not go to treatment. Now you have protected him from the natural consequences of his behavior, getting treatment. So, the very thing that you want becomes the very thing that you end up enabling your husband to not do, radical huh?
The control of finances is huge and I to address it this way. We can ‘purchase’ tons of things that we really want to spend money on, vacations, cars, houses, stuff for our kids. But somewhere along there we think that we cannot afford treatment. I wonder if we looked at treatment like restitution. If your spouse needs treatment, support the treatment they want (give them permission), but also support them in the paying for the treatment (maybe they need a second job when they are done) so it might not impact the bottom budget line of your home. Just a wild thought, I know. You see, if your kid needed treatment there would be no hesitation. But because its an adult and a grown person and we are hurt by them we think differently.
Why Can’t They Just Quit Drinking?
If it were so easy to quit, we wouldn’t have an epidemic would we? Also Nancy Reagan’s ‘Just Say No’ program would have been a huge success, but it failed miserably. If you read this it becomes clear that it is not just a matter of “Why can’t they just quit?” The addicted brain has become altered, and the consequences are not stronger than the desire for the substance. Also, the enabling behaviors of those around them are too rewarding. The addicted person cannot control their need. In many cases the person knows they have a problem but are so deep in the issue they can’t see way out, a tunnel vision of sort or perpetual slide. There you are frustrated at every turn with the actions and the behaviors of the addicted person, and what it’s doing to you. This creates untold stresses at home, may be some legal issues, possible loss of employment, the thought of dissolving the marriage, trust issues, financial or health concerns along with countless other things. You blame yourself for this, and ask “what did I do wrong?” or “only if I would have….”
Hitting Rock Bottom and Climbing Back Out
When someone is addicted it’s not about quitting, it’s about finding out what’s going on, and many times there is a co-occurring condition contributing to the addiction. Treating an addiction is so much more than treating the use of the substance, it’s about change, brain health, support, diet, learning new behaviors, education, core values, and it’s about feeling better. For you and others directly affected by the addiction same applies, as you will both or all be in recovery and in a rebuilding process of all the aspects of your lives that have been damaged. This often takes time. Alcoholics Anonymous or AA is not treatment, it is a support network, and may not be right for you or loved one. This is where a private personalized plan comes in. It is often thought that the person has to “hit bottom” before they get help. This is not the case, in fact the earlier in an addiction help is sought the more they find to live for. It is not a sign of weakness, it is not a blame game, it’s about regaining your life. The thought of an intervention may have crossed your mind, like you may have seen or heard of on TV. That is only one form intervention. Interventions can come in many forms, it could be the DUI, the separation or divorce, loss of employment, health related, or could be convincing the addicted person seek help. You may have to consider if a medical detox is required, as detoxing can be life threatening in some cases. The underlying intent of this is don’t give up, it’s not anyone’s fault, don’t stop trying to seek help, it can be better and get better.
My primary focus is on Alcohol Recovery. I combine brain health and recovery coaching into one package that works! Most of my clients feel far different in about 2 weeks! I hope to help you or your loved one on their recovery journey soon!
You can schedule your free consult here
Steve Sell
Alcohol Recovery Coach Steve
